Having a Special Scar is more than just having a scar on your uterus. It is much more than that, and it goes way deeper. A lot of people don’t understand. My Special Scar is an upright T due to a complete uterine rupture. When it happened, I was told that I couldn’t have any more kids. And you know what, at the time I actually believed it. And I accepted it. I thought that I didn’t have a choice. My baby was THIS close to dying, and I knew the same thing would happen if I got pregnant again.
Once I got home from the hospital, the sadness really set in. We wanted a fairly big family, and all of that was crushed. I found myself crying all of the time, and I felt so broken. Why was my body not up to par? What did I do wrong? And the one that still haunts me… “Why me?!” So many women go on to have smooth VBACs, why did I have to rupture? There were so many questions, and so many tears.
I had to deal with a lot of people who didn’t truly get what I was going through. A lot of people thought that I should have already been over it. Of course, most don’t say it. But you can just tell. I got a lot of “at least you have a healthy baby” and some even went as far as telling me that my rupture couldn’t have been complete because my baby came out okay. Those people weren’t on that table with me when I had to listen to the doctor freak out about not knowing where everything goes in there. “Is this cervix?!” “What is this?!” “Where does this go?!” Johnathan’s body, cord and arm were inside of my abdominal cavity… outside of my uterus. It was serious, and he barely made it. And it really hurt when people would dismiss the seriousness of it, because it made me feel like I was upset about nothing. That was the most traumatic thing I have been through (Alex’s birth is right up there, too) and it was not easy to deal with. And it’s still not.
When I found Special Scars-Special Women, I felt refreshed. All these ladies have been told the same thing I have, and they still go on to have amazing births afterwards. It was almost unbelievable. I was presented with a ton of information, and I took my time going over it all. I read a lot of things that I have never read before; I educated myself. With the help of those wonderful women, I realized that my body is not broken, and that I have the right to choose how I want to birth. My body, my choice. And with all of the information I had in front of me, I made the decision to go on to have another child.
Something I never tell others is that I plan to have that child via VBAC.
It’s safer. I refuse to sign up for a C-section “just in case”. My body works. The risks for surgery are very high, and that is something that people really lose sight of. The obvious goal here is a healthy baby and mom, and I feel that is best achieved by having a vaginal birth. The fact that I’m planning to have VBAC mistakenly made it to the wrong people not too long ago. I was harassed and was called many names. But I will no longer let all of that get to me. I’m very confident in my decision and no one can tell me otherwise. I am not afraid.
We are not adding to our family just yet, but when we do, I know I will have so much support. Through Special Scars, I have found women who will support me no matter what. After the rupture, I have made amazing new friends, and found lots of people who I can connect with. I am no longer alone. I have grown from this. And although I didn’t know much then, I know a lot now. Education is key.