Stuck at ten… again
I did everything I could do to stack the cards in my favor for a VBAC. I fired 2 different OB groups, joined ICAN Westchester, NY and started seeing a group with 2 OB’s and 6 midwives 40 minutes north of me. I found an amazing hospital, Hudson Valley Hospital Center and we drove in the snow, back and forth to all my appointments for 4 months. I hired a doula this time and had read every book I could, done Yoga, vocal toning, written my birth plan. My Doula Catherine helped guide me in that process and made sure I included C-section in my plan, even though I was going to deliver this baby out of my vagina and would never need such a plan!
Doula Catherine, “You didn’t fail my dear! You let your body do what it needed to do and tried every avenue despite immense discomfort. Outstanding bravery and constitute, one everyone should learn from!!!”
I wish someday, to see myself, as the person she is talking about…
I had stayed low risk until 38 weeks when Teresa, one of the midwives can’t get a good heartbeat; I’m sent to the hospital for a non stress test. I don’t see baby’s head in the sonogram and I’m really worried. I tell Scott I think she’s breech. My midwife calls me an hour later and confirms my fears, I’m going to let you go home but you have to promise to come if you feel labor or if water breaks. She explains the risk of a prolapsed cord. Come in and see Dr. K Wed, we will put you down for a version; she’ll try and turn the baby. I hang up the phone and collapse into my husband’s arms crying, “I knew it, she’s breech Scott, I just want my chance…” The nurse takes pity on me saying they are letting you go home, that’s great news, you have time; start trying to get that baby to turn. She tells me about the Spinning Babieswebsite and I leave with hope.
I research and try inversion on my stairs, which did not work, then I tried breech tilt with ice packs at the top of my belly and a flashlight in my undies. She turns head down, I feel and see it happen.
Going into see Dr. K for the external version she finds my daughter head down. We are very happy, Catherine had come to support me through this process but was not needed, baby was no longer breech.
39 week appointment, baby is once again breech. Dr, K was out and I had the other OB Dr. J, for the first time. She was trying to talk me into going over to the hospital for the c-section. I cried, “no she will turn again.” Dr. J goes on and on about prolapsed cord and all the risks… then she says the words that make my blood boil, “you know you got to pushing for 2 hours last time, your chance of success is very low, 15% maybe for a VBAC.” I told her, “well I was induced and lying on my back for 3 days, maybe that’s why my son did not descend. Dr J says, “You sound bitter”. I say, “Well if you were forced into the C-section that almost took your life, you might be a little bitter too!” I leave feeling sick; schedule the version again with Dr. K telling the front desk I didn’t ever want to see Dr. J again. They reply, it’s your birth, your choice of who cares for you. In the elevator my husband says “that women was like a wolf with a knife waiting to cut you, I promise we are going to get through this honey. I feel sure she will turn again.”
I see the Chiropractor 5 times and spend our last dollars on the Webster method, she turns down by the next appointment and once again Dr. K is amazed at 39 weeks 4 days my baby is still able to freely turn. She calls it an “UNSTABLE LIE”, and says only 1% of babies do this. It might be an indication that my uterus is not flexible in the lower portion… maybe due to scar tissue or adhesions caused by the bleeding and subsequent infections of your first c-section. Blah blah blah… I don’t even listen to that. I just hear baby is head down and smile.
40 weeks, baby is breech, I’m starting to loose it, Catherine helps to calm me by reminding me I have options, this is not the end! My ICAN Chapter leader, Margret finds an Acupuncturist who will see me for free! God bless Tami, she was amazing to help me when I could not pay her. She shared with me that she too had a very traumatic birth experience, and hopes for a VBAC with her 2nd someday. In addition a friend from work, Elizabeth, was doing reiki with me a few mornings a week. Dr. K will no longer try a version at 40 weeks so she wants me to come in to “talk”.
40 weeks 3 days I see Tami and then go in for the big talk with Dr. K. Baby is head down and Dr. K is stunned. I am soft, 2cm and have lost my plug. “Great, now I don’t have to lecture you.” She jokes. Contractions start on and off from that point forward.
41 weeks, 1 week “post date” as they say…
10pm I go to bed and finally decide to give my daughter a name. I call her by it, “Sofia.. (pause)…Sofia my love, it’s time to come. You are ready to be with your family now and it will be safe. I promise they will not pull you from me, it will be easy in a nice warm tub… I had been dreaming of her birth as a water birth and it was my wish for it to happen that way. I finally let go of all my fears and just spoke to her, felt that connection between the 2 of us and drifted off to sleep, pillow between my legs…
4am, I awake feeling a strange pressure then warmness…
“Scott my water just broke.” His eyes shoot open and he says Really? I freak, rollover and outa bed, pillow between my legs and all. I just stand there leaning over the bed with baby fluid pouring outa me like a waterfall. Wow was this different from the all day slow leak I had with Anthony’s induction. I start to cry, it’s making such a mess I don’t know what to do… Scott spring into action getting towels and telling me don’t worry I’ll clean it all… Relax honey, this is what you wanted, to go into labor on your own remember. I smiled and said “you are so right”, all the worry left me then and I relaxed. This time things would be different; I didn’t need to have fear…
4:45am I am excited for labor. I shower, do the “booty call shave” for my midwife and hang out on the toilet for a few hours. Scott makes me PB&J with some juice. Then he starts to pressure me to leave, “I’m not in pain yet”. He worries my water was not completely clear, but towards the end a little yellow. He gets on the web and starts to panic; the baby could be in distress he tells me. “My baby is not in distress Scott CHILL OUT“, I remember screaming at him just before I think to call my Doula. I have him talk to Catherine to calm his nerves, I hear him saying “but we do have a 40 minute drive in the snow.”
I call my best friend Venessa 6am ish and tell her my water broke. She is sooo happy and I remember her say “you sound so calm Chris, you are amazing!”. I was calm and sure of my body. Finally I decide it’s time to call my Midwife. She says, at 7am, you sound ready and we want to make sure baby is still head down. My Mom comes over to be with Anthony, our 3 yr old, and we leave for our trip up county. I tell Scott “no matter what happens I’m not going to be upset because I know I did everything I could to have a natural birth. He says YES YOU DID and I’m happy to hear you say that. Later, I would find those words not to hold true…
We arrive just in time for me to wanna be OUTA THAT CAR! I’m holding my ICAN folder full of info and my birth plan copies.
I get an L&D room and my midwife Brynne checks me, “4cm and looking active, call your Doula you are having a baby today. “Cancel the Sono baby’s head is low I can feel it.” Then they put me on my back on top of this pan, with a string that turned blue, oh yes, her bag is broken the nurse announces. It was very uncomfortable and I remember saying “I told you my water broke”. Yes Moms usually know best but we have to confirm…. I call Catherine and then get on my birth ball but it didn’t feel good so then I go in the bed instead for 15 minutes of monitoring, to get a baseline.
Catherine arrives and I need her. I spend a lot of time in the bathroom, really liked sitting on the toilet, by myself. Catherine asks if she should fill the Jacuzzi but Brynne said I might want to wait since I was in room #6, which is a triage room, no break away bed, so they would move me to room #5 as soon as Mom delivered. Instead, we try the birth ball a few different ways, then the rocking chair, then just standing and leaning.
Catherine again suggested we fill the tub and move if we need to. She reminds me I wanted a water birth so the breakaway bed was not the most important thing in the world. I agree! She fills the tub and I take the gown off and get in the tub. Soon after things start to get intense. Brynne wants me to have a heploc, since I don’t want IV. I’m not happy about the heploc but I do it to make her feel comfortable. They bring me food and drinks. Catherine has a water pitcher full of straws and keeps forcing me to drink. You are going into a warm tub, if you dehydrate they are going to start an IV.
Scott finally gets my suit top but it’s to late for me to wanna put it on. I’m already wearing this gauze tub top thing they gave me to hold the monitor in place. No straps at this hospital. About every hour the nurse would ask me to stand up outa the water through 1 contraction so they could see the babies heart rate. It didn’t bother me at all. Scott got out the oils and Brynne showed him what to do with them, where to apply counter pressure etc. He was doing well but she was just much better at it. At one point Scott put on the water jets thinking that would somehow help the back labor that had started. I screamed at him, shut them off now god dam you asshole, now, shut them off! Poor guy! Catherine patched things up explaining to him that my back and legs were starting to hurt due to the position of the baby, so that hard water pressure only made my discomfort worse. “Don’t feel bad, let’s try something else, maybe a hold… ”
Things were going from good to HARD, I was now doing my vocal toning through every contraction, Catherine holding me as I stand up outa the water and put all my weight on her. The both of us toning… AAAaaaaaaaaa or OOOOooooooo I see Scott over Catherine’s shoulder sitting in the window watching the snow fall, It’s starting to get dark out, I think what time is it, then I collapse back into the water. My bad knee is starting to give under the stress of squatting. I’m in too much other pain to tell anyone and it goes unchecked. Later I find out I re-tore an old sports injury that night and I would require surgery 3 months later.
We got into a good rhythm, I was inside myself, doing what my body told me to do, unaware of my surroundings. Standing and leaning on Catherine, both of us doing the toning, then squatting back in the tub for rest. Counter pressure hurt now and even the gauze tube top was causing me pain. My nurse tried to cut it with a scissors to relieve the pressure on my back. I felt I was dealing well until they asked me to change rooms. “We have grunting” I hear my nurse yell to Brynne. It’s ok to push a little at the end of each contraction if that feels good. Rock your hips”…. I feel her moving through my pelvis, descending, I felt the pain and the pressure and the need to bear down and make these ungodly grunting sounds….it was awesome and all I was thinking was, I’m going to do this!
My room #6 was a triage room with no breakaway bed and a smaller tub. Room #5 had opened and I was to be moved. Brynne entered wearing this huge blue glove that went up to her shoulder, to check me in the tub, but since I was to move they helped me out and Brynne checked me standing through a contraction, “ 8cm 75% effaced and +1. ” “She’s in a posterior position but she should turn soon…. Keep rocking those hips… Baby will be here before 6 is my guess, you are doing great.”
I was wet and cold moving into the next room. Walking through the contraction was not happening so I would stop each time, took me 25 min to get next door. Spent some time on the bed on all 4’s waiting for the tub to be filled. The nurse monitored me. I was on all 4’s rocking trying to turn Sofia who we were now sure was posterior. I squatted on the bed hugging the headboard. Nothing was helping. By the time I got back into the tub I could not get my rhythm back! I was loosing control, my mind was turning to scrambled eggs, I was trying to drown my head in the tub. Catherine fished me out and said you are doing it, let’s get this done. I said I can’t, I need drugs; I can’t do this back pain anymore. Soon it will be to late for the epidural. I can’t push like this I just can’t. Everyone, Brynne, Catherine, Scott my nurse everyone started reminding me how I did not want the Epi and how it was almost over, you don’t need it. You are strong and brave you can do this blah blah blah…I finally screamed, I’ll give up, just have the surgery…. I mean it I need the Epi I can’t push like this I just can’t! Fear took over, as I knew this back pain was a bad sign…
9cm I get the Epidural and rested for about 1 hour. I remember the nurse commenting, “aren’t you glad you had the heploc now”… Brynne comes to check me.
“I need you to push past the cervical lip. Just like last time I was stuck at 9 ½ with a lip.” Still not sure exactly what that means but …anyhow. Brynne had her hands inside me doing something while I pushed. We did this a few times and then success! “The lip is gone”, Brynne announces. I breathe a sigh of relief. That’s where I was stuck last time, 9 ½, with a thick lip, pushing for almost 2 hours with no progress. So when I got past that point I felt I was outa the woods, I WAS doing this…
It felt like she would burst out of my butt, it was a crazy intense feeling…I stupidly asked “Do you see the head?” No not yet, Brynne answered in a kind voice, then suggested I labor down for an hour so the baby could descend, then start pushing. So, I tried to sleep for that time but to no avail. Scott slept, I think my doula might have even dosed off. I’m just lying there watching the clock getting mentally ready to push. Now my water birth was out, so I was trying to visualize a new plan, trying to see her crowning…
45 minutes later I was in the worst (back) pain of my life. The Epi was only working on one side and I needed to get up.
My 2nd nurse made a makeshift birthing stool for me. She was trying her best to allow me to get outa bed and push. It must be after 7pm now with the shift change. I remember her saying “Her Epi is obviously not working, she can feel pain down her legs and back so she can stand.” It did feel better to get up. Scott and Catherine held me for some time while I tried to push standing. The Birth stool was ready so we tried to get me on it. I pushed twice, began to scream and cry, “No NO no NO GET ME OFF THIS.” It didn’t work, felt like I had met Freddie in the boiler room and he was tearing into my back, that was actually the vision I had while I tried to push on that stool… but I do commend my Nurse for trying, bless her. I think I got back in the bed at this point.
Brynne, my midwife, is back to help me push but I’m is so much back and leg pain by then all I want is for them to fix the Epi, give me more drugs or something. But those things would never happen, I was to push against the back pain and make no progress… The mom who had been put into my first labor room #6, was almost crowning, so Brynne rushed off to deliver her. I remember being jealous of that Mom.
Finally, Brynne returned to tell me she had to call OB, I said NO why? It really was a shock to me that things were going in that direction. Even with all the horrible pain, in my head, I was doing great and going to push this baby out of me…
Brynne: “It has been 4 hours at 9 ½, your contractions are getting farther apart and the baby is Posterior and hitting the bone.” She had not turned and I was in horrible back labor. Brynne said don’t worry we are going to push like hell till he gets here. Will be at least a half hour and you can always say no I won’t sign for the C-section. Don’t worry we are going to have her out by the time he gets here Christina.
It was fight or flight time and my hormones were telling me you are strong, you can surpass this pain and push through it… so I start to push but the back and leg pain takes over. I can’t feel the contractions. Brynne is pushing me to take Pit, “just a taste to get those contractions back to a regular pattern.” I was saying, “No, never I don’t want that.” But after a while I felt kind of pressured into doing it. From there they wanted the internal monitor. “Christina, I can’t keep you at 10 for this long on Pitocin with no tracing. If we know the baby is OK I have more wiggle room with the OB’s to continue labor.” I was feeling like I needed to play by their rules at this point, if Brynne was going to keep the OB away from me she needed proof Mom and Baby were fine… So I let Brynne do it, and was upset with myself, for getting into this situation in the first place. Aka getting this epidural that didn’t even work! I was starting to get upset about the interventions I was allowing. I was loosing focus.
Catherine reminded me I wanted to hold my own legs if on my back and that I didn’t want anyone counting. The pain was so intense with each push. I knew something was wrong, why didn’t it feel good to push like it had with my son’s labor? I was getting nervous, Brynne examined me while I pushed for a while then she said…
“We need to do the section”
I turned from hugging the headboard, I was squatting on the bed at this point “are you kidding me?” I truly did not believe her. My husband left the room crying. He just left me there.
THANK GOD FOR CATHERINE, MY DOULA, without her support at that point I would have fell to pieces. Instead, I did not cry, I had to stay calm and survive surgery. I asked her, did he just leave me? Catherine held my hand and told me he doesn’t want to upset you, I’ll go deal with him after I make sure you are ok.
It was my worst fear, to be cut open again. I could feel the panic setting in, my mind raced… What if my uterus tears again? What if I bleed like last time and they have to put me to sleep? What if I can’t hold her right away? Then I start to pray, God please give me strength to get through this. I talk to my Grandmother, I know you are here with me now, look after us. I try to hold this peaceful image of her in my mind.
Catherine: “When they told you, I almost lost it myself, because I could sympathize with your journey, as well as your determination to have Sophia vaginally. If I may just offer how I witnessed that moment when they told you this wouldn’t happen, Scott started to cry and then he left the room. I interpreted him leaving the room, as him leaving the room because he was very upset that the baby would be born via section, and because you guys had such a long journey starting from Anthony’s birth to Sophia’s. I remember him telling me, “we did everything we were supposed to do, we got through the breech position, we made it to labor, I don’t want to lose my wife.”
Midwife Brynne, “I’m so sorry Christina, it feels so clear to me now, your pelvis feels wide on top but more narrow at the back, I really don’t think she will pass under the bone in this posterior position. I can feel that you are pushing strong, that the baby is hitting the bone, she might be chin up in addition to posterior, and your pelvis does not seem to be average shape. I know how much you wanted this and you worked so hard, did so wonderful. You are an inspiration; the reason why I became a midwife was to help strong women like you.”
I try not to cry, I didn’t want their pity… My nurse adds that she hasn’t seen a mom endure what I have been and still be willing to go on in a very long time. I wish I could have done more for you, she seemed sad that her makeshift stool was such a bomb. It seemed like the whole floor was coming in to give me encouragement and try to help me go into this C-section with my PRIDE intact. I do thank them for being so kind to me at such a trying time.
We went over all my options, vacuum or forceps, but I was pushing strong and in many positions so I thought she might get stuck if we tried either of those. I had done research on both options and had decided long before labor that if it came down to it, I would not take the risks associated with those interventions.
Plus I was feeling guilty about letting them screw that internal monitor onto the top of her head so I could labor longer, there was no way I was going to do any intervention that could put her at risk. At some point I had to see that the health of Sofia was more important that a vaginal delivery. I was giving up inside and if felt as though everyone else had given up on me too.
Thinking back… No one was saying why couldn’t she keep trying, why can’t she labor longer? Maybe the head needs longer to mould? Let’s try and turn the baby, go to the Spinning Babies website and check on releases to open the pelvis and positions such as inversion. This is where looking back; I believe I had a MEDWIFE and not a skilled MIDWIFE, like some of my other friends had attending their home births this year. One friend pushed 8 hours and her midwife turned the baby from PT with her hands inside the mom. Rachael told me after the birth, “Had I been in a hospital I would have had another C-section. No question about it.”
I was worried I was hurting my baby; all this talk of her hitting the bone over and over again was not sitting well with me… Dr. D shows up and also checks me while I push. He asks if I want to try vacuum or forceps to bring her down, I say no, I won’t put her in any danger… just do what you came to do.
They asked if I wanted something to stop my contractions but my midwife said it wouldn’t help her at this point. So there I was standing, trying to get through the contractions. It all seemed to hurt more and become impossible to handle as soon as I learned I would not birth her myself. That hour was the worst ever; they said I would be in surgery in ½ hour, which turned into over an hour. They would not give me anything for the pain as I was going to have to have a spinal and then they would not know how much meds to give me. So I held onto Catherine for my life and begged them to hurry. The shaving was a nightmare. I was losing it at that point and being on my back for this shaving that took forever was more than I could bear. I was for the first time yelling at the nurse, you have to hurry I need to get off this table! I don’t know when Scott came back into the room but there he was all of a sudden, holding my hand.
They come and ask me to sign for the section, I take the pen, almost in tears I say, “I can’t believe I’m actually signing for this.”
I walk to the surgery, as I wanted my dignity, this was my choice, right?
Sitting on the cold metal slab I curl over for the spinal block.
As I lie down I notice the ceiling is painted sky blue and is filled with clouds and positive affirmations like “I’m an amazing mother”. It was nice to distract me. The anesthesiologist keeps asking me if I still can feel my contractions, I keep telling her no. “Then why are you breathing like that?” she asks? “I’m trying to keep calm, I’m very nervous and upset right now.” “Why? There is nothing wrong with having a baby this way,” she adds. She had been there in my labor and knew I wanted a natural birth.
Dr D. is back all scrubbed in, he’s giving Brynne shit about waiting 4 hours to call for OB. Brynne replies, “I wanted to give her the best chance at the birth she wanted. Besides tracing never had 1 drop and Mom was willing to keep trying, what is the problem?” I had 2 midwives assist in my surgery, Brynne and Teresa.
First thing I say to OB is please don’t kill me. Teresa says Dr. D is an excellent surgeon one of the best I have worked with. I say I hope so. He reply’s: “why would you ever say something like this?” Dr. K is in India, I was late and she had left the day before my water broke, so this man didn’t know my history or me. I say, well you should know I almost died in my first c-section, I had lots of bleeding and I’m 0-. The OB perks up and says you’re a bleeder; I’ll call for 0- just in case. I say, please don’t.
Dr. D says “I can’t use this incision it’s to high. I’ll have to make a new one lower down.” Now I’m starting to freak out. Scott is finally brought in to be with me. I tell him, in a panic, he wants to make a new scar… I’m begging the OB not to leave me with 2 scars. I won’t ever be able to look at myself again, with 2 evil smiles mocking me and marking my now 2 failures. Dr. D won’t budge, it’s not in the proper place, I won’t use this incision, I have no choice, and it’s not safe.
I become angry, UNSAFE??? Why the hell is my first incision unsafe…
It took 40 minutes for them to get to Sofia. All I could hear him say is “it’s such a mess in here, what a mess, I can’t see anything, don’t wanna cut the bowel. Who did this to you?” I hear “suction, more suction, I can’t see.” Then I hear the word “ADHESIONS” for the first time. I start to ask a lot of questions, what is going on, am I bleeding out? Is the baby OK? What are adhesions? What caused them? What does this mean for my next birth? Did Einstein damage my body? Cause me to surrender my dream of a natural birth? I had left that Hospital in the Bronx, having been drugged tortured and now I find out damaged as well! I was becoming angrier by the minute…
This was not a normal C-section by any means. I was literally interrogating the OB the entire time. This was my means of coping, being informed the whole time. He was not a quiet surgeon so I was not going to be a quiet patient. It went on like this till they got to Sofia. I start to feel sick and tell the nurse I’m going to puke. They put this lil tray thing next to my mouth, but it’s hard to get sick while lying down. They put my husband on it with tissues to wipe the vomit off my face, neck and hair. I hear Dr D. once again scold my Midwives, “and you insist on letting them eat, see what happens…” I puke again…
I see her for the first time at 10:31 pm, she’s upside down and all I think is wow she’s big, did that baby come from this lil belly. I had only gained 15 lbs due to getting sick 40 times a day up till the day I went into labor. They take her over to the warmer, I hear Teresa ask what is her name, Scott says ask my wife, I reply Sofia with an F. They attempted to suction her mouth, but she grabs the blue ball and throws it on the floor. Then they try and clean the blood off but she’s grabbing the towel and making a sucking face. I say she looks hungry. Brynne asks, “Do you want to nurse her?” YES I say, don’t goop her eyes up I want her to see me. So they give me Sofia, 1 minute after she is born. Right there in the OR we met for the first time and we knew each other by our smells.
We had skin to skin and I nursed her for the rest of the surgery. She found the nipple herself and latched like an old pro. My heart melted. This was the connection I never had with Anthony. As I only held him for the first time 7 hours after he was born. My husband, mother, brothers, father, etc all held him while I was in surgery and a sleep in recovery for hours.
The OB could not take my uterus out to sew it, as is common practice. My bowel, spleen and god knows which other organs are now attached to my uterus making it impossible to remove, so he did the stitching inside me. Thank God I did not bleed, my uterus was strong and did not tear, like last time. The rest of the surgery was without issue. Grandma was with me that night, I know, I was sure if I had another section it would take my life. She was watching over us.
I settle in with Sofia, and then my attention turns back to the surgery. I ask Dr. D, do you see any fibroid in the area of the incision? No, he says, just a very small one on the top of the uterus way above the incision. Why?
I explain that Dr. S, my Perinatologist, had done very extensive sonogram on me and found the same thing you are telling me, a small fibroid above the baby. My OP notes and medical report from Albert Einstein attribute the lateral tearing on both sides of my uterus due to this “mal-positioned fibroid.” They claim the fibroid was at the place of the incision making it difficult to get Anthony out. During the process of extracting him from my uterus the incision tore and I started to bleed. Dr. S had told me it was VERY unlikely that this fibroid caused my tearing and now you are confirming that statement. Dr. D replies, wow, they really did a job on you. No, I don’t see how this little thing all the way up there could have anything to do with tearing in the lower segment. Were you induced? Yes. Was it a long labor? Yes, 3 days. Were you on Cervidil or pitocin? Yes. All of this thins and weakens the uterus. Sometimes when you cut it just pops and tears like a water balloon, cause it’s so thin. I tell him Dr. S had explained the same thing to me.
At my 6 week post op Dr. K would tell me she thought the adhesions were causing me to push Sofia into my back instead of down and under the bone. “You have an abnormal abdomen now, this must be put on your MD records as well. This was most likely the cause of the unstable lie you experienced in the final weeks of pregnancy. You should never labor again, it took 43 minutes to reach your daughter, in an emergency, that would be life threatening for both of you. It’s very important you wait 2 years before having another child, what are you using for birth control?”
They never took her from me. We were rolled back into my L & D room to recover and bond. I missed my son but it was so late now, I knew he could not come till the morning. After about 2 hours the nurse came to weigh her and get stats. Then they brought the bath to us, my husband later told me how special it was for him to be part of her first bath. He didn’t get to cut the cord… again and they did not delay cord clamping even though both were on my birth plan.
I can’t sleep. Scott putts a sheet on the floor and passes out. My birth ball is in the now empty tub and Sofia is sleeping in the bassinet.
I am left with my thoughts… did this all just really happen? How did I end up with another C-section… wait…? I had failed, my body failed me, what will I tell people? How can I face everyone I’ve told for the last 9 months I’m not having another C-section? Who will help me at home? Oh no, it hits me. I’m going too need help and I have not planned for any. But wait, I feel happy inside and proud. I am happy and would do it all over gain if I had the choice. I had done it my way and I have the bond I always craved with Anthony, she’s nursing perfectly and yes, I am happy but yet there is still this empty feeling still left in my soul…
My mind drifts back to the night I was first told Sofia was breech, Scott and I were waiting in a rocking chair for a L&D room to open up for my sonogram…. We were privileged to hear a birth. Mom pushing and pushing then the baby cry, Mom says the words I so longed to say, “I did it”. Then you hear one of my midwives Teresa, “Good Job Mommy”. Scott and I both cried, it was so beautiful moment for us to share in. Then the baby was whisked away to the NICU and mom was crying I just want to hold him…. Baby was 32 weeks old and though Mom had her empowering vaginal birth, she did not get to hold or feed her baby. I think in many ways I am lucky this time… I finally am able to sleep; it’s now been almost 24 hours since my water broke.
In the morning Scott goes to get Anthony and I ask to get out bed and get the IV and other tubes out of me. I won’t have my son see me like this! Nurse informs me I have to keep everything in for 24 hours, I say oh hell no, get me Dr. D. Tubes and all, I get outa bed and into the rocker on my own. Dr D comes in. “You’re crazy but doing incredibly well after such a rough surgery, so I will grant my wishes. You are one tough cookie. But please take it easy.”
A room has opened up, Sofia and I are moved over to postpartum. Scott is on his way back with my son Anthony. I am very nervous and excited for my 2 children to meet for the first time. It was the moment I had always pictured… My son beaming with pride kisses his lil sister and my heart melts for a second time that day.
Sofia Florence Forrest
March 7, 2011 10:31 pm
8 lbs 3oz 21 inches