I wouldn’t say my birth story was a traumatic event, but I would call it a domino effect of bad events that led to the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. I had spent the larger part of my pregnancy feeling so sick. My head was always in a fog and I couldn’t even vacuum without feeling like I would pass out. I mentioned it to my doctor and was told to drink more water, I knew I was drinking enough but I just agreed with the advice and left it at that. I tried not to complain as this was my rainbow baby, we experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and I felt as though complaining would deem me ungrateful because I remember being on the other side wishing I was puking everyday and wishing I was dealing with the pains of a pregnancy instead of the pain of a loss. As I entered week 36 of my pregnancy it became unbearable, morning sickness came back, I wasn’t eating or drinking or even moving really. I also had a terrible cold and chalked it up to that.
At my 37 week app I decided to mention the nausea hoping to find some advice to relieve it, I saw a different ob that day and he sent me for labs. It was a Wednesday and I decided to go the following morning for the blood work. I went without realizing I needed to fast after I’d already eaten breakfast and was told to come back on Friday morning. I did so but this meant no results until Monday- although mind you I was expecting nothing of this.
I was feeling okay that Saturday and we decided to do a large Costco shop preparing for our daughter. As we were shopping I felt one of THE WORST pains I had ever felt in my life- I have broken bones but this was a different level of pain. It was all over my belly. I had to stop and lean over our cart because it was a constant sharp pain that completely took my breath away- literally. I wondered if this is what a real contraction was, and then it just stopped. It was weird and I waited for it to come back but it never did.
Fast forward to Monday morning, I was sleeping and was woken up by my cell going off, it was the nurse from my obs office. “Something was off from your urine sample and we’d like you to come in today for a quick blood pressure reading”. She was totally chipper and didn’t alarm me at all. My blood pressure had been on the high side my entire pregnancy. I was living in ignorant bliss thinking this would be nothing and I would return home later. Wrong.
My blood pressure was ungodly high and combined with the urine sample- preeclampsia. She said “I’ll need to confirm with the doctor to see if he wants to send you over for an induction immediately or schedule you to come tonight”. There was an open bed and I was admitted right then. I forgot to ask questions. I forgot to think for myself at all.
I had no step by step birth plan, I’m a very easy going live moment by moment kind of person- all I knew is I wanted a vaginal delivery with skin to skin. They were explaining the induction process and how it can take days advising me not to rush my mom from the other side of the state because she had time to get here tomorrow. A woman entered the room to perform a weight estimate ultrasound. She was smiling and then she wasn’t. She didn’t say anything until she was finished. “This baby is breech in an unfavorable way and there is no way you can be induced, you’ll be having a c-section”. My husband and I were surprised because we had just been told less than a week ago baby was head down. Then I remembered Costco. The pain. She flipped. I remember crying and the woman saying “don’t worry, it’s fine when I have kids I’m scheduling my c-sections from the get go”. I remember being so annoyed.
I was scheduled for 6:30pm. I still forgot to ask questions. They scared me when explaining the risks of preeclampsia, they made me think the only safe way for her to get here was this way. I remember being so angry at myself for eating breakfast that Thursday morning because the results would’ve been back before the weekend. I would’ve been induced before she flipped. None of this would be happening if I just read the small instructions on my lab slip order telling me to fast.
In those few hours I did as much googling as I could to prepare me for the surgery- almost forgetting I was having a baby because anxiety of the procedure took over my head. I was shaking like crazy with nerves. Nothing seemed off during the surgery. I remember telling the anesthesiologist that I felt nauseous and he thought I said my nose itches so he started scratching it for me. I laughed enough to brush off the nerves for a few moments. When it came time for the tugging and pulling the doctor warned me it was coming. I had no idea what to expect so when I was viciously being thrown around I thought this must just be how it is. It took forever it felt like, then finally it stopped and I could hear the screams of my new baby. I remember crying so hard and the tears pooling up in my ears. I still got to do skin to skin with her. The moment still felt magical. I was still happy with this I tried to tell myself.
My baby was healthy and so was I, so I chose to keep my sad thoughts to myself. My recovery seemed so hard. I assumed I was just being a weakling with a low pain tolerance. My sister in law had a c-section 3 weeks before me and she was glowing so I kept trying to ignore my sadness of having a c section at all and my agony of the pain I was in.
My 6 week follow up appointment rolls around- I was still feeling just horrible, I remember wondering if I would ever feel even a fraction of my old self again. My doctor comes in, checks my incision. He says everything is beautiful and I’m free from restrictions. He grabbed a clipboard and a flyer for something and flipped it over “I’m no artist on paper so bear with me”, he draws a uterus, and he draws a horizontal line with a vertical line coming up from it “this is the incision I had to use, she was stuck. Because of this only cesareans are recommended for future births” basically says have a nice day and said I was good to go and left the room.
WHAT? Why was this the first I had heard of this? I could feel the millions of questions creeping into my head before I could even make it to the check out window. I made it to the car before I broke down. I called my husband, he sounded so sad for me as he had already heard me say hundreds of times “next baby I’m not doing this again”. I felt like that changed the view of my future, and the news was delivered to me so coldly.
I spent countless hours googling for months, trying to find answers for my questions, if you ask my husband he’ll tell you it’s become an obsession because I can’t go a day without mentioning it. I constantly wonder what would have happened if I knew I could’ve actually advocated for myself instead of just being a robot and doing everything they said without asking a single question. I learned from this to research and question everything. Not everything is out of your control. I’m letting my body heal for as long as I can before having another baby, I want to gather as much knowledge and support as I can before doing this again, I want to vbac so badly. I’m so grateful to have found other women like me- but also feeling deeply sorry for them that they are. Most of their experiences are so much scarier than mine was. I’m grateful that I do feel almost like myself again now, and that my daughter is healthy. But I will forever wonder what would’ve happened if I just spoke up. I wouldn’t say my birth story was a traumatic event, but I would call it a domino effect of bad events that led to the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. I had spent the larger part of my pregnancy feeling so sick. My head was always in a fog and I couldn’t even vacuum without feeling like I would pass out. I mentioned it to my doctor and was told to drink more water, I knew I was drinking enough but I just agreed with the advice and left it at that. I tried not to complain as this was my rainbow baby, we experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and I felt as though complaining would deem me ungrateful because I remember being on the other side wishing I was puking everyday and wishing I was dealing with the pains of a pregnancy instead of the pain of a loss. As I entered week 36 of my pregnancy it became unbearable, morning sickness came back, I wasn’t eating or drinking or even moving really. I also had a terrible cold and chalked it up to that.
At my 37 week app I decided to mention the nausea hoping to find some advice to relieve it, I saw a different ob that day and he sent me for labs. It was a Wednesday and I decided to go the following morning for the blood work. I went without realizing I needed to fast after I’d already eaten breakfast and was told to come back on Friday morning. I did so but this meant no results until Monday- although mind you I was expecting nothing of this.
I was feeling okay that Saturday and we decided to do a large Costco shop preparing for our daughter. As we were shopping I felt one of THE WORST pains I had ever felt in my life- I have broken bones but this was a different level of pain. It was all over my belly. I had to stop and lean over our cart because it was a constant sharp pain that completely took my breath away- literally. I wondered if this is what a real contraction was, and then it just stopped. It was weird and I waited for it to come back but it never did.
Fast forward to Monday morning, I was sleeping and was woken up by my cell going off, it was the nurse from my obs office. “Something was off from your urine sample and we’d like you to come in today for a quick blood pressure reading”. She was totally chipper and didn’t alarm me at all. My blood pressure had been on the high side my entire pregnancy. I was living in ignorant bliss thinking this would be nothing and I would return home later. Wrong.
My blood pressure was ungodly high and combined with the urine sample- preeclampsia. She said “I’ll need to confirm with the doctor to see if he wants to send you over for an induction immediately or schedule you to come tonight”. There was an open bed and I was admitted right then. I forgot to ask questions. I forgot to think for myself at all.
I had no step by step birth plan, I’m a very easy going live moment by moment kind of person- all I knew is I wanted a vaginal delivery with skin to skin. They were explaining the induction process and how it can take days advising me not to rush my mom from the other side of the state because she had time to get here tomorrow. A woman entered the room to perform a weight estimate ultrasound. She was smiling and then she wasn’t. She didn’t say anything until she was finished. “This baby is breech in an unfavorable way and there is no way you can be induced, you’ll be having a c-section”. My husband and I were surprised because we had just been told less than a week ago baby was head down. Then I remembered Costco. The pain. She flipped. I remember crying and the woman saying “don’t worry, it’s fine when I have kids I’m scheduling my c-sections from the get go”. I remember being so annoyed.
I was scheduled for 6:30pm. I still forgot to ask questions. They scared me when explaining the risks of preeclampsia, they made me think the only safe way for her to get here was this way. I remember being so angry at myself for eating breakfast that Thursday morning because the results would’ve been back before the weekend. I would’ve been induced before she flipped. None of this would be happening if I just read the small instructions on my lab slip order telling me to fast.
In those few hours I did as much googling as I could to prepare me for the surgery- almost forgetting I was having a baby because anxiety of the procedure took over my head. I was shaking like crazy with nerves. Nothing seemed off during the surgery. I remember telling the anesthesiologist that I felt nauseous and he thought I said my nose itches so he started scratching it for me. I laughed enough to brush off the nerves for a few moments. When it came time for the tugging and pulling the doctor warned me it was coming. I had no idea what to expect so when I was viciously being thrown around I thought this must just be how it is. It took forever it felt like, then finally it stopped and I could hear the screams of my new baby. I remember crying so hard and the tears pooling up in my ears. I still got to do skin to skin with her. The moment still felt magical. I was still happy with this I tried to tell myself.
My baby was healthy and so was I, so I chose to keep my sad thoughts to myself. My recovery seemed so hard. I assumed I was just being a weakling with a low pain tolerance. My sister in law had a c-section 3 weeks before me and she was glowing so I kept trying to ignore my sadness of having a c section at all and my agony of the pain I was in.
My 6 week follow up appointment rolls around- I was still feeling just horrible, I remember wondering if I would ever feel even a fraction of my old self again. My doctor comes in, checks my incision. He says everything is beautiful and I’m free from restrictions. He grabbed a clipboard and a flyer for something and flipped it over “I’m no artist on paper so bear with me”, he draws a uterus, and he draws a horizontal line with a vertical line coming up from it “this is the incision I had to use, she was stuck. Because of this only cesareans are recommended for future births” basically says have a nice day and said I was good to go and left the room.
WHAT? Why was this the first I had heard of this? I could feel the millions of questions creeping into my head before I could even make it to the check out window. I made it to the car before I broke down. I called my husband, he sounded so sad for me as he had already heard me say hundreds of times “next baby I’m not doing this again”. I felt like that changed the view of my future, and the news was delivered to me so coldly.
I spent countless hours googling for months, trying to find answers for my questions, if you ask my husband he’ll tell you it’s become an obsession because I can’t go a day without mentioning it. I constantly wonder what would have happened if I knew I could’ve actually advocated for myself instead of just being a robot and doing everything they said without asking a single question. I learned from this to research and question everything. Not everything is out of your control. I’m letting my body heal for as long as I can before having another baby, I want to gather as much knowledge and support as I can before doing this again, I want to vbac so badly. I’m so grateful to have found other women like me- but also feeling deeply sorry for them that they are. Most of their experiences are so much scarier than mine was. I’m grateful that I do feel almost like myself again now, and that my daughter is healthy. But I will forever wonder what would’ve happened if I just spoke up.
specialscars.org 